Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote an article about knowing and realizing who you are, and knowing that, that in itself is enough. Somewhere in the folds and chaos of a year, I found myself forgetting the very words I laid out onto paper. Words that I had fought for others to hear suddenly drowned into the background of my existence. But today, today I realize this: we get to choose what defines us.
No one should ever be given the kind of power over you that you are made to feel less. No one. You should never give someone the ability to strip you of your dignity. Somewhere along the way we became victims, we grew wishbones where our backbones should of been. Somehow we grew to believe that pleasing others is a more acceptable way to live. We gave into the lie that if I just change this and this then all these things will work out. I have played the role of a victim countless times, and I realize now, that this is not a role I have to play, nor a role that I was cast for. When we victimize ourselves we don’t move, we don’t grow, and we will slowly stop being. We cannot always help what happens to us, but we can choose how we will react and how we will go from there. You are more than just dust and bones. You are more than just a body that takes up space.
When will we learn that we cannot let our happiness and acceptance depend solely on another human being. People will come in and out of your life, it is one of the hardest things we face as individuals. They may teach you powerful truths about yourself, the good and the bad. They will love you as best as they can, they may tear you down, and they may only be with you for a short season. It is important to know when to stay and when to walk away. All we can do is bless each other with who we are. As long as you give your very best that is all you can do. Of course we let each other down and then we blame ourselves or we hate each other, and this I believe is the greatest of tragedies.
The reality is that life is crazy and I like to believe everyone is trying to be the best that they can be in the exact moment and place they are at. One of the biggest pains is when love is not returned the way in which you had hoped, it does not mean that you have failed. As Steinbeck said, “It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another-- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.” Parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, and siblings will not always love you the way you were made to be loved. Maybe your father could never look you in the eye and tell you that he loved you. Maybe someone important in your life just up and left you. And maybe you have not once felt loved in your life, and the ache in your heart has never faded away.
I wish I could sit next to you and tell you it will all be okay, and that everything will work out. But I can’t. I can’t fix your heart, I can’t fix the broken parts. What I can do is remind you and remind myself that you get to choose what defines you. You don’t get to choose what will happen in six months or in a year, but you have the ability to make the most of every part of your life. My beating, questioning, and searching heart is certain that God has to be the foundation of our beings; the very man that allowed your heart to begin to beat. I don’t know exactly what that looks like but I’m searching and I’m reminding myself to let go, and unclench my fists. Reminding you that you are not defined by another, but that you get to choose what defines you.
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