I came across something I wrote a year and a half ago and I know I stumbled upon it for a reason. So today I will share it again and remind myself that I am worth so much more, as are you.
Even after going through intensive counseling and receiving help, I was tied so deeply to believing I could never be okay with who I was. Throughout taking the steps to get help and find healing, I still could not let go of the lie that I was never going to be good enough for the standards laid out before me. I labeled myself as “not enough” and refused to accept who I was. My past continued to define me. Watching my every step, I spoke only when spoken to, rather than raising my voice or standing up for myself. I valued other people’s opinions rather than my own. If I didn’t agree with someone or appreciate the way they treated me, I continued to believe I deserved to be treated that way.
Yes, I’ve experienced a lot of healing in my life and freedom from struggles that once seemed impossible to overcome—but I still always felt like I was too afraid to expose my real self. I let people determine my identity, scared of returning to pain and terrified of feeling alone. Scared to truly be me.
Eventually, I was exhausted from viewing myself in negative ways. Even the things I was passionate about were hidden rather than celebrated openly. Constantly stuck between finding complete freedom in my life and hiding my true self, no one could see the real me.
We do it all the time; in order for something we want to work, we change. We mold ourselves into versions we think will look good to the certain people we “need to fit in with.” In reality, this is self-defeating, and we are not truly living.
The fear of failing or not fitting in will only hold you back from experiencing true freedom. You will miss out on the things you love—and the people who will love you for who you really are.
We will all go through brokenness in our lives, more than once, but we can find so much healing in just being ourselves.
I have grown and finally learned to be myself. I’ve learned it’s okay and normal to be afraid of relapsing, but that I can still live and enjoy life. I have learned that who I am is more than enough.
There is no one like you. Don’t let someone else define your worth; know your worth and believe it. I know you feel alone, and everyone and everything around you might tell you you’re not good enough and never will be. I assure you, this is a lie.
You are good enough. You were from the first breath that ever filled your lungs, and you always will be.
I found your blog today, and although our stories are much different (like it even matters) I too want to know how others find the strength, courage, and hope to wake and breath each and every day. When one is unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when it feels nearly impossible to dust off the dirt and plunge forward, when it feels like the burdens of life are too much to endure, when you are angry with "God", how does someone find the strength to start another day? How does hopeless become hopeful? I don't want to hear anymore that it will get easier, that I am worth it, or think about your friends and family, or to take it one day at a time, or to recognize my baby steps. I do not need another trained professional who has no idea what addiction, mental health, etc. is truly like, or has not been there done it. How does one truly get up out of bed and face each and every aching, nauseating minute?
ReplyDeleteAnd last but not least;Why did you stop your blog, and where are you at now with your recovery?
Thank you for being who you are, and for listening.
MrsBleezzy