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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Stop Chasing the Darkness

The past year and a half has been difficult. A year of ups and downs. I have gotten to explore and have so many amazing adventures that have taught me more than I ever realized but there were downs as well, none that anyone could see. My outlet on instagram were the days of adventure and bliss. But there were downs, downs I didn't tell a single soul about. If I wasn't physically or mentally running away I was lying and hiding the truth from the ones I love most. I didn't like who I was, I liked pretending I was fine and making great decisions. I was lying through my teeth and the scariest part was that I began to feel so comfortable just saying whatever I wanted. '"I'm fine, I'm not running around doing things I shouldn't be doing." "Me? no I didn't do that." "I'm not chasing after something that I should not be." The emptiness of my words like, "hey, can you please keep me accountable." When the reality is, no one can keep you accountable if you are not going to tell the truth.

It comes down to this:

"For a long time I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to put myself back together, because letting go of the sadness would mean I have to redefine myself. And sometimes, I still feel like chasing the darkness, because I don't know exactly who I am without it. I realized I made a home out of something I should have never let in."

My heart was broken to an amount I had never felt before, I accepted the belief that I was worthless and incapable of making good, positive decisions for myself. I believed my mind was too dark to be fixed. I have a lot ahead of me. I'm not perfect and my mistakes weigh me down some days. If there has anything I have recently learned it is this:

Your friends love you. Your best friends want to be there for you, you only push them away and break their trust when you lie to save your ass. You hurt them more than you realize. If we never admit our mistakes or flaws we will never truly be free from the weight that it ties around our necks. It's not worth it to appear "good" or "healthy" when you're not. You will save a lot of time if you just come out with it.

So now, I have a lot to face, and some redefining to do. But for the first time in a year and a half I mean it, I have to. We were not made to chase after the darkness, turn around and follow the light.